~2,000 days later (Life Update + 2024 Goals and Plans)

 My last post was from July 2018. 

Gods, so much has happened since then. 

Back in July I shared the adoption story, or at least the start of it. What I didn't share was the situation that happened after. We didn't adopt either of the two girls mentioned in July. We actually didn't meet someone for a few months. Then, through drastic choices and false bravado we found a young person who needed a home. They were 16, in the system for a year by the point they moved in with us, and openly queer. I felt like we'd be a perfect fit.

The adoption has had it's hardships and beautiful moments, but overall she is doing well, and slowly coming up on her own, but way more has changed since then. She's 21 now.

On my birthday in 2019 I released my first ever podcast episode for Beholder to No One. The show was up and around for a while, got awards, got over 17k downloads, and 260+ episodes! I am still proud of this work, even if currently I am on hiatus.

In 2018 I was working for a job, slowly moving, or about to move to a new position. I worked that position for 2 years, before helping them automate my job out of existence. I was offered a new position, directly under the highest supervisor...I was told not to take it. 

I took it.

...I shouldn't have.

I worked there 'til June 4, 2021. After almost 13 years at that company, I finally had a heart to heart and decided that it was too toxic of a work environment. My mental and emotional well being were not great, my depression and anxiety were at all time highs. I started meds (a few months prior) but now that I was jobless therapy wasn't an option.

While looking for work I decided to take the podcast skills I learned to offer editing as a freelancer. I freelanced for the next year and a half, doing any and every job that could possibly get me money in the TTRPG Podcasting/Streaming/Book space. Unfortunately, I was not able to stay in that field, and after a talk with my husband decided to get a job again.

I now work for a fantastic company, that treats me well, pays me well, and a has a lot of growth potential in the future. 

In July 2018 but husband and I were officially married for 6 years. Today, while we're still legally married, we're getting a divorce. I'm unsure when that's going to be finalized, but right now it's in the works.

With that came a move. In September 2023 I decided to move to Baltimore, MD. No longer did I live in Florida. By Thanksgiving 2023, I moved to Shippensburg, PA, which is where I am now. 

Like I said, it's been a crazy few years, and this just is a taste of all the things that have happened in less than 2,000 days.

Working on Me

There are some things I want to work on about myself. One of the main things is my anxiety and depression, and then my anger when I'm getting overwhelmed.

I rarely say something to someone's face, but when I get angry, I need to vent. When I do get angry and anxious it affects me and it ruins my entire day.

Basically, I want to help myself get over this. I want to work on my how my emotions affect me. I think that if I can do that, it will be better for me in the long run, especially when stress is causing migraines and makes my Psoriasis worse.

This is one of the things I want to work on. The other is my weight. A few friends and I are starting up a YouTube channel regarding this, and I'll be jumping back onto the Keto journey to hopefully lose upwards of 100 - 130 pounds. I'm tired of being tired and tired of not being able to do anything without hurting.

I know I'm the only one who can change things in my life, and I'm seriously going to try, especially moving forward with adding a kid to this crazy thing I call life.

Adoption Story (Part 2)

Now that it's been a few months there have been a few updates.

We've learned a few things over the last couple of months, such as what the next steps are, and how annoyingly difficult it is to get ahold of ANYONE in the adoption agency.

Like, seriously...no one ever answers their phone OR calls you back! It's kind of ridiculous.

Anyways, we reached out regarding about 10 individual kids, all in different counties, all different age ranges, races, and genders. Just putting our name out there and asking if they were still avaliable.

In the two weeks, I think I heard back from one person who said they weren't. Then I called back to everyone on my list, added a few more...got a hold of another person and we had just missed the next step for one of the children because they hadn't called back.

A couple others were already matched, a couple others still haven't gotten back to me.

We were able to reach one case manager regarding a 13 year old girl. In order to protect their privacy, I won't tell you their name or where they're from, but let's just say both my husband and I were in love. Thirteen was at the top of her age range, we reached out, nothing, reached out, nothing, reached out to a supervisor, and the supervisor got us in contact with the case manager. Then didn't hear anything again. Finally, we emailed the supervisor again and she said if we didn't hear back in the week to call her.

That night we got an email that they were doing a match meeting (the next step) on Monday, and they wanted to make sure we were interested.

For those that don't know, the Match Meeting is a step that the agency takes all interested parents, and compare them. They basically each rate the parents from best match to least best match (not worst, because they DO match, just not the best). They then move forward only with the best match.

We sent over our home study already, and the case manager thought we were a good match. They liked everything about us, especially that we had similar hobbies to her. We were so excited we started looking at schools in the area for middle schoolers.

Monday comes and goes, and we don't hear back. That's fine, I'll give it a day.

Tuesday comes, and by 9am I couldn't take it anymore, and called. Oops, it was the case managers cell phone, and I woke her up.

Turns out they went with another family. Their reasons made sense, logically...but we were bummed. Though they said it had nothing to do with us or our home study, just thought the other family was a better fit.

Back to square one.

It's been about a month now since then, and we matched with three other kids. All happen to be girls, between the ages of 11 and 14. One we politely turned down because of particular things mentioned in her child study that we knew we couldn't deal with. Another we weren't sold on due to the history of something that is on our "definitely no" list. The final we are absolutely in love with and think we can make a world of difference for her life.

We haven't said "no" yet to the "definitely no" list girl, only because the foster parents state she's improving lately and hasn't done it in a really long time...but we're hesitant. The disclourse step I think will help tilt us for or against.

We have minimal concerns for the final girl, there are some medical issues and developmental delays, but those are things that we can help her improve with and better her life. We're still waiting to hear back when the meeting is schedule for, to ask any final questions we have.

If we decide to move forward with either of the two girls, the next step is a supervised visitiation. We'll actually get to met our potential future daughter. I say potential because there are a few steps that can deter them or us before we legally can adopt, but I am excited to have a little girl to call my own, and teach that the world isn't complete shit.

Or even if it is, at least family can make it worth while.

Adoption Story

One thing to learn about the last 20 months at least, that has been a drastic change in my life, is that my husband and I have started the adoption journey.

When we got married, hell while we were dating, we had discussed that there was a potential inability for me to get pregnant due to my PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndome). My husband, amazing as he is, was perfectly okay with that, and we kind of dropped the subject since I was in school and didn't want kids until after either way.

Well, I graduated in 2015, and we still waited for about a year of just trying natrually before we decided to go another route. We went to Eckerd because we learned that adoption...it's ridiculously expensive. Private routes are near impossible to pay for without saving up for years. Foster care may be the right route...and we discussed fostering to adopt being a potential possibility.

I emailed Eckerd on September 5th, 2016, and heard back three days later. I was told that they had an orientation in October and we signed up to go to hear more information.

What we learned during orientation were a few things:
1) Fostering was definitly not for us. Eckerd's biggest goal is to get the child back with the parents, even if the parents were not showing a great track record or showing they were improving. As long as they "tried" they were allowed to keep trying, and Florida gives a LOT of opportunities to keep trying.
2) Adoption, through the syetem is free.

Let me repeat that.
ADOPTION. THROUGH THE SYSTEM. IS FREE!

We were elated! We immeditally knew this was the route we needed to go, despite the growing concerns about what we would learn later in our adoption classes.

Speaking of adoption classes...that was the next step. We signed up for the soonest availabe (one class every 8 weeks), which was December 13th, 2016 - January 31st, 2017. There were a few rules to follow:
1) Be to each Tuesday 6pm - 9pm class for 8 weeks
2) Do the "homework" provided
3) Finish the requirements for the foster/adoption.

We were one of three couples/individuals in the class to go to all 8 classes (they said you had to wait until the NEXT 8-week course section to make up the one day you missed, mama don't play that!)

There were some things that were concerning, like the horror stories they tell you that may be an issue with the children and their upbringing. These aren't going to be the babies that are given up at birth, these are going to be the kids that were taken away from their parents for their safety, but the kids may not be okay with it either way.

We decided that the age range that we are focusing on is 5-12, male or female. We even moved to ensure we had the room for a child.

We went through the process,we finished the classes, did our background checks, and even got all the paperwork but two to the adoption agency. Then...we had to wait. We waited 7 months for a piece of paper from the military for my husband, then when we finally got it, we were told our background checks at expired. (Well technically they said our finger prints had expired...and that lead to questions, and they meant background checks). We had to redo our background checks which took 5 weeks, then we were told that we would have the completed home study by the 16th of March (2018).

March 16th came and went, and I was speaking to our case manager (a lovely woman), and she was trying to update a few other things to make sure there weren't any issues. We got that done, and over all we were told we would have it by April 2nd, before our case manager had to leave for for a month for medical reasons.

April 2nd came...I reached out to the supervisor (per the case manager's request), and was ignored. I reached out again two weeks later, and then another week after. Finally, on April 30th the case manager came back from her medical leave and found the completed home study (that had evidently been sitting on a desk some where waiting to be scanned in), and sent it over.

As of April 30th, 2018 we can legally adopt!

Now, I was thinking the next part has to be the easy part...right?

Let's just say that I have reached out regarding about 10 children, and have only heard back about one thus far. So...NOW is the hard part...the waiting game of case managers getting back to us to let us know if we actually match with a child.

I'll update again when I have more information or hear anything. I'll also try to start updating this blog more as we add a child to our live, and I start being a mother. This is insane and going to be so worth it.

Excuses and Solutions for Writers

I've always loved to write. Whether it was explaining the world around me or making up stories in my head, it was always fun. It lead me to roleplaying in forums and creating amusing and sometimes scary characters just to see how they would react in the world they were provided.
I get a kick out of creating characters that are a little bit fun, a little bit abnormal, and a little bit insane. It makes it interesting to put them in normal situations and see "What can they possibly do to make this worse?"
While I love writing, sometimes I let it take a back seat to all my other hobbies (or internet) for a long time. It always makes me feel like I'm slacking in the creativity department when I'm not doing something though.
I'm not the best writer out there, nor am I the most experienced but I do have a few things or two I have learned from writing.

Excuse: Writing is Hard

Putting words onto paper is easy, making it sound good is a whole different matter. If you're worried that you're a bad writer, but have the passion and the story in your head then you can still do it. Sure, it may not sound amazing, but remember:

Other writers and authors have been doing this a lot longer than you have. They read books, they have practice, they took classes. Do the same thing, and compare only to yourself! Join a group (like The Dragon's Rocketship) to meet other writers that encourage you and are willing to read your work to provide pointers. Writing gets easier with practice.

Excuse: I don't have time

This is one of the biggest excuses for anything. If you want something bad enough, you'll make time. Whether it's setting 30 minutes aside in the morning, waking up earlier, writing on your lunch break at work, or cutting back your TV time by a little bit, you can make time. If you geninuly don't have time then record what you're thoughts are in the car on the way home from work, and write it down on the weekends when you do have time! A lot of people, including myself, feel better when they create. They let go of inner emotions and feelings, and they just feel alive when they're in a natural creative environment. Do something for your creative side!

Excuse: I can't write a novel!

Writing a novel is hard, I agree, but it's not impossible. A novel is over 40,000 words. That's a lot of words, sure...but three ideas to consider:
1) Writing 250 words a day will give you a first draft of a novel in 160 days, that's less than six months! If you dedicate time to write only 250 words A DAY you'll have a novel in 6 months!
or
2) Join up in NaNoWriMo in November. The goal is to write 50k in 30 days, that's 1,667 words per day. If you succeed you have 50k words by the end of 1 MONTH! One month of people in the same situation joining you and pushing you and helping you succeed! If you're tired of making excuses, push yourself for just 30 days!
3) The Magic Spreadsheet. The Magic Spreadsheet is an amazing Excel file in Google Docs that's accesible to anybody. You have a row, where you compete with only yourself (or others if you choose) and you write. Each day you get a sense of pride and accomplishment when you fill in your daily word count, whether it was 250 or 5,000 for the day. You see your days in a row going up which gives you more points. More points means you can level! You can "experience points" by writing! You can compete with your friends or just set your own goals and write for yourself. See if you can write for 30 days in a row, 60, 90, 365.

Excuse: I don't have the motivation

Motivation is something you need to find. It's something you can find by being with like minded people and seeing their accomplishments, or by setting a daily goal and reaching for it each day. Whether you're motivated to be creative or to complete your novel to say you did, push yourself. Spend each day finding things that motivate you, go out on a walk, go to new events, search for photos online (and save them for a rainy day), READ READ READ! Do things that encourage you and give you ideas to push yourself further. And somedays, if you don't have motivation JUST DO IT! Force yourself to write at least 250 words, and maybe the rest will come to you.

Zentangles

The art of zentangling has been an amusement of mine as of late. It's a type of meditation drawing, where you draw differet patterns inside spaces of a picture. Many of them use circles and circles within circles, and each space has a unique and fun pattern.

Zentangle example from Greeley County Library's Website and Zentangle Class

Usually they are done on zentangle tiles, and there are kits and books out there that help you get an idea on how to do certain patterns and what products to use. A lot of that can be found on Zentangle's website http://www.zentangle.com/ .

However, if you're like me, you know how to search the internet for some free pattern ideas and there are A LOT out there. You do need a few things to get started:

• Paper or zentangle tiles (I use a drawing pad)
• A pencil
• Micron markers in different sizes (I bought this pack on Amazon)
• Oppotional: Micron markes in different colors (I bought this pack on Amazon)

You start with drawing a pattern that you want to fill in.
Here's the first one I did:

1. I started with drawing the three lines and decided to break it up into different sections. Each section was filled in with a pattern and I shaded using pencils.

2. Then I filled in the left section with circles, patterns and shaded.

3. Then finally I filled the right section with squares and each square had it's own pattern and shade. 

I did this while listening to mediation music and just focused on the drawing. It helped me keep my mind at ease, forget about everything ahead of time, and required no pre-planning just doing. It's a fun little project that costs less than $15 to start (if you don't get the kits and tiles from the website).

Show me some of your zentangles! 

Stitchbow Organizer

Recently I invested into a wonderful product called Stitchbow. It's a floss/thread organizer for cross stitchers and embroiders. The only way I ever knew to organize was to do it myself, but it's difficult to find the thread when it's between 6 - 10 different drawers, and it's always messy, and using those cardboard bobbins are a pain to wrap everything around, and a pain to maneuver through.

I saw Stitchbow on Herrschners.com (which is very behind in the times, I got everything, but they took my money prior to sending me an invoice or confirmation of my purchase) and basically you buy Floss Holders, and then you buy Binder Inserts.

Here is an example of the Floss Holders (sold in packs of 10), notice that the floss attaches just like the string is purchased from the store, no wrapping around a bobbin! (That's my favorite part!) On the side you can see that there is spot for the DMC # to go, so it's clear and easy to see what color you're looking for.

And here is what the insert looks like after you put in 15 Floss Holders:

It took me a little bit (5 hours, give or take), but I put all the colors I have on Floss Holders, and then put them in numerical order (i.e. I separated them into 3 separate piles, then smaller piles, then orders those piles, lots of piles). It sounds like a lot, but honestly I really like organizing so it was fun for me. Here's the finished product:

I need a bigger binder as you can tell, or at least a second one. Anyways, there are all my threads, a total of 244 different colors after the last 3 - 4 years of collecting on different types of projects. There are a total of 455 normal DMC colors, I made a chart in Excel so I can keep track of what colors I have/need in case I start a new project I can just look at my Excel file and see if I have that color or not prior to looking in the binder. Here's a sneak peek:

It's a very simple each column has a number set (i.e. 100s - 200s, 300s, 400s, etc.) and then it just goes down the list in the DMC order, and there's an 'x' if I have it and there isn't an 'x' if I don't have it, and I colored the ones I needed in red so I knew what I needed to pick up if I did.

Hope this helps someone with organizing some of their floss (if you embroider or cross stitch), and honestly I really like this Stitchbow product so far.

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